I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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