Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Everclear isn't food dammit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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