Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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