I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
