I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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