dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
