I can text with my tongue
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
