you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
