Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
