Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
