i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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