I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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