dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
