NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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