I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
