Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
