You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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