well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
