Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
