The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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