That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
