my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
