Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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