Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
