I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
