i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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