Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
