i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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