feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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