Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
