My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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