the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
