I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont even know how to be here
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
