we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
