my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
