I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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