I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i believe in u and ur pee
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