If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
