So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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