The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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