Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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