Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
