Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
