A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
