u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
