His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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