what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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