There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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