he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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