Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
