I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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