You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
