theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
